For me, not so much in the “read everything I possibly can about what’s happening to my body and what to expect” kind of way, though. (Paul does that.) More in the “shock and excitement and fear” of it all kind of way, which I’m sure is typical for everyone.
For the most part, Paul and I did that thing where we wait to tell people that we’re expecting until it’s “in the bag”…but secretly it was easy for me to keep to myself because I was busy trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. As odd as it sounds, the idea of telling someone and having them exhibit over the moon excitement for the two of us (though a sweet and totally appropriate reaction!) was a nauseating thought for me. That sounds completely twisted, I realize.
It’s just that, although I’m excited to start a family (because family is really, REALLY important to me), I’m terrified to be a mother. I don’t have “that maternal thing.” I know, I know, it’ll come – people have told me that it’s “instinctual”, but initially (and even now, at times) I can’t say that I was really excited to be a mother. And, honestly, I didn’t want those feelings placated or pushed aside by positivity and excitement.
Finances I can figure out…it’s the little things that worry me the most. What I get obsessed with is how I’m supposed get a kid ready and to a day care in the morning when I can barely get myself to work by 9:00 a.m. every morning. When will I go to the gym? Will we really have to take the baby with us WHEREVER we go? If it’s sleeping, can we just, like, sneak out for a quick cocktail down at the neighborhood bar? (I can feel the readers of this post slowly pulling their children away from me.)
I’m not a kid person. I’m just not. Sometimes I try to pretend like I am but kids are typically on to me. They run to the huge, stoic, intimidating looking man next to me because Paul has that “kid thing” that I just don’t possess. He’s like the baby whisperer. Kids are f#$*ing intuitive, I’ll tell you that much.
Soooo, where does that leave me? Well, many of those pressing questions that I’ve been unable to answer I’ve decided to address with this response: “Paul will do it.” He’s pleased, as I’m sure you can imagine.
But it’s getting better. I’m starting to be okay with this. I’m starting to know that I’m not in this alone…that I’ll figure it out…WE’LL figure it out. And at the end of the day, week, year…hell, at the end of MY LIFE, I’ll never regret having been courageous to do that which terrifies me the most. Because I’m confident it will be worth it…no matter what. Right, Mom?
Positivity, you’re welcome to enter in to the equation now. Thanks for your patience.
Eh, you'll be a kickass mama. I can tell. (just don't say kickass in front of the wee one!)
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetheart. I used to be a kid person, and now I am not. I think that there is some sort of magic that happens when they are your own, though. I'll tell you my mom's advice, the advice that makes me know that I will be okay when I reproduce. It's this: "Make your kid into the person you want to spend time around." She formed our personalities into something that wouldn't snark at her, was pleasant and interactive, and fairly self-sufficient. There will be a few years you have to do everything, then they'll want to take over. :) And cocktails are what having family close by is for.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when you're next to hubby, it's not that you suck with kids. It's that they can choose you, or the HUGE HAWAIIAN DUDE. They interact with women all the time (although probably not women as rad as you), so they want something different. And if they saw Lilo and Stitch they're probably going insane from awesome.
Thanks for being you Meg. I love you and know that you'll be wonderful and resiliant and I also know you will be that friend for me that I can actually learn something from about being a good mom. The good, the bad and the poopy. So thanks in advance. That'll be one lucky kid.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, y'all. I actually DO feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not a kid person either, and my husband is Really, Really good with kids. Like, they LOVE him. It's like they can sense that he is cool and I have no idea how to talk to them. So I worry about the same kinds of things - no maternal instinct, etc. But I know that you'll adjust! "They" say it's different when it's your own, and though I don't know from experience, I wholeheartedly believe "them." =)
ReplyDeleteMegan I admire you for being so brave. Brave for a lot of reasons! One of which, is putting your fears and concerns out there in the open. No one can tell you what it's going to be like. Not even those who have kids. The experience will be unique to you and your family because I think everyone's experience is different. I don't know how it will all turn out and what you will think of this new chapter of your life, but I do know this...you are an amazing friend, you are caring and loving, family is key in your life, you (as far as I know) are not dangerous or prone to assualting anyone (I added this one because there will be times when you will feel like HURTING someone so I felt it was important to mention this), you love with your whole heart, you are fun and creative and funny. Because of all these things and so much more, you will love your family and do whatever you can to make them happy and feel loved. That I know for sure. That's the most important thing in a nutshell. It doesn't mean you will LOVE poopy diapers, tantrums, boogers and barf. However, it does mean that you are loved,you will be loved and will love this little one with your whole heart.
ReplyDeletePlus...think about the teenage years, I can see you being the awesome mom that all the teenagers want to be around and your house being "the cool" house to hang out at!! :)
LOVE YOU!
Meg you are an amazing wife, daughter, co-worker, friend....and everything you do, you do 100%. So something tells me you will be just fine :)
ReplyDeleteI am not what you would call "maternal" either. Two kids later I'm much better than I was but when they fall down and get hurt I tell them to get up and stop crying. I don't have particularly whiny kids so maybe it's not a bad thing. Oh and in no way was it love at first sight with my first one. I was FREAKED out! What the hell was I supposed to do with this completely vulnerable wrinkly thing? I couldn't wait for my 6 week maternity leave to be up. But looking back 5 years later I somehow made it through. I definitely made mistakes but the good thing about kids is they are resilient and grow slowly so you have time to find your way while making mistakes. Just don't put them in the microwave to dry off or cover their head with a pillow (which you will definitely consider when they are crying uncontrollably) and you'll be JUST FINE! You'll look back and be surprised just how well you did.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on all of the above trepidations. All I can say one month into parenthood is that, while I discover new fears and insecurities hourly, I have never felt so strongly about any other being on this planet. I must also admit that breastfeeding really sucked at first (no pun intended), but has become such a wonderful bonding experience, which has really helped me ease into the role of mom. It is still definitely a work in progress though. You should witness the panic-fest that is getting Ruby's head through the neck of a onesie. We are absolute idiots! Can't wait to chat with you about all of this madness!
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